Burnout Syndrome, Activate

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It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything relating personally, to myself. I’ve spent a lot of blog posts giving my own opinion on current events, or unfortunate advancements in tech that facilitate mass theft, or rolling my face on the keyboard in my Backrooms obsession. I suppose maybe sometimes it’s harder to write about myself, and what and how I’m feeling about things, because I find it hard to actually want people to know me.

It’s been over a decade and a half since I really started … “making things.” It’s been even longer since I dipped my toes into web development, and suddenly arrived at this point. It’s been just about as long that I’ve been working jobs that put money toward bills, and … I find myself wanting more.

When I was in high school, I just wanted to be a web developer. And, in a way, or sense, I am. But it’s not my career.

It should be. I basically grew up with a keyboard in my hands. Why is this not my source of income?

Instead, I throw myself around in manual labor jobs and tell people what to do, and I pray every second for my weekend, or my time away from work. Time away, so I can do what I really want to do.

And it’s come to this point where, I look back at the time I spent in my early thirties where I kind of … was doing what I wanted to do. It just wasn’t making me any livable money. I wonder sometimes if I just didn’t try hard enough, or if I was almost there. I had a semi-popular album, and then catastrophe happened. I continue to write fiction, but at this point it’s mostly just a hobby. I run a store in Second Life, but it mainly only just barely pays for the Second Life subscription itself (even though, bringing in sales enough to do that for almost ten years within the virtual world is actually pretty impressive).

I look back at that, and wish I could try again, or do it again, but now.

I think I’ve realized this part of myself will never be happy until I am doing the concept of this, again, and also making a livable wage from it. For the longest time I thought I was at the end, or I thought I was as good as dead, and then everything changed and I made a whole lot of progress in life … only to wish I could go back.

I’m not burned out on making music, or building websites, or writing fiction, or anything else, besides … regular life. I hate the normalcy, and my brain pushes back against it every second of the day. And I’m living two lives because of it. The person I am at work? Basically a visage that doesn’t really exist. A fake me that puts on this face that only exists for eight hours, five days a week. I’m so cut off between these two worlds that I just about completely refuse to interact with anyone I know within the building, outside of it.

But I’m rambling about these nonstop streams of thought, and I just wanted to express, mostly? That something needs to change. It’s been a while. And maybe I’ve found some change in this little virtual reality space, VR Chat. But I need a bigger change. Whether that’s a web development career, or a solid, actual relationship, that doesn’t die out in months.

Heck, I dunno what it’s gonna be, but I know it’s coming.

Maybe I should write a resume for once?